God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
