I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
