dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
