Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
