considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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