I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
