My friends, they love my intelligence
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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