Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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