Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
