My sheets look like a crime scene.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
