my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
