We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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