everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
