even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i came on her dog
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
