You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
