Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
