Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
