I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
