Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am naked and annoyed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
