How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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