Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
