Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
