i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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