Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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