I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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