I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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