i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
