You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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