Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
