i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize