A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
