Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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