me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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