the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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