Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
porn star boner night. come get it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
