I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize