The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
