Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
