He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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