Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
