Taylor Swift is so right about you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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