I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
