maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
