I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
