A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
