Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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