just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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