two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
