The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
