i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
