I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
