What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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