I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
