I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
