If i come over, it means nothing
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Actions speak louder than pants.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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