dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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