She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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