god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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